We Gunners

Sarvatra Izzat - O - Iqbal

Humour in Uniform

        On your toes

A gentlemen cadet while undergoing training at one military academy reported sick and told the doctor that he was unable to walk due to pain in his heels. After examination the doctor found him only pretending to be ill. “You don’t worry about your heels,” said the doctor. “You’re supposed to remain on your toes.”

    Where Did That Come From?

 

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"

The young sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

"Where would you get the torpedo?"

"The same place you got your battleship!"


The Kiss
 

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of an European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

 

 

Great Comeback

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is a recount of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who's about to sponsor a boy scout troop visiting his military installation. (Note: While this has been presented as a "true story" for several years, it is, in fact, pure fiction. In short, this incident never happened).

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

    GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

    GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

    GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm."

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

    GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 WRONG QUESTION

Jack and Max,two soldiers ,are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray ?"
The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEIGHBOURS

While creating the universe, God explained to his subordinates that everything should be in balance and that was his philosophy of creation. The story goes like this: “Here is America. I have blessed them with prosperity and money, but at the same time I have given them insecurity…. And, here  is Africa. Bountiful, but with climatic extremes… And, there is South America. Lots of forests but lesser land so that they would have to cut those forests…” One of the angels asked “God, what is that extremely beautiful country in the lap of the oceans?”

“Aha… that is truly a masterpiece, my most precious creation, India - the land of friendly people, sparkling streams and serene mountains, great culture and tradition, technologically brilliant… in fact, I sometimes holiday there.” The surprised angel asked … “But God, what about the balance?” And,God replied “Look at the neighbours I gave them.”

 .Expecting!!

 

 

 A young private sought permission from his Commanding  Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead
and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back
again with the same explanation: "My wife`s expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he
said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week,
however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.

 

Royal Wedding

On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.Panic!

Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laurafor the day.Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities wereover, Laura's feet were in agony.When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.
The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bed
room and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a
virgin."Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."
This was followed by more grunting and straining and at
last Edward said, "My God, that was even tighter"
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a gunner, always
a gunner."

 

Digging a Hole

 

 

<><><>

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were

handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead

animal. While digging they got into an

argument about what they were burying.

"This here's a big mule!"

"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."

"Mule!"

"Donkey!"

Well, this went on for a while until the

 camp chaplain came by. "What are you

boys doing?"

"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."

"Donkey, dammit!"

The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either

one,  it's an ass."

An hour later, the camp commander

came up and said, "What are you men doing,

 digging a foxhole?"

"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole

 

 

GIVING SAD NEWS TO A TROOP

 

The Captain called the Sergeant in.

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private

Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell

him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning

formation  and lines up all the troops.

 "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant.

"Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.

Smith, report to Personnel to sign

 some papers. The rest of you men

 report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.

 Oh by the way,Jones, your mother died,

 report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the

Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge,

that was a pretty cold way to inform

Jones his mother died.

Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the

Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a

 telegram that Private McGrath's mother

died. You'd better go tell him and send him

in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning

formation.

 "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Every

body with a mother, take two steps

forward." "Not  so fast, McGrath

 

 

 

BRITISH NAVY VS IRISH

 

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio

 conversation between the British and the

Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the

Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15

degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your

course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid

 a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert

your course 15 degrees to the South to

avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British

navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have

 to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER

 HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST

SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET.

WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE

DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND

NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES

 NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDER

TAKEN TO ENSURETHE SAFETY OF THIS

 SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

 

GULF WAR HERO

 

It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs

 stared over at the oil fields and watched

 them burning. Day and night the flames

 roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered

 on how they were going to put out the

 fires when one Arab suggested that they

ring 'Red Adare'. Red Adare was contacted

but informed the Arabs that he was busy

 for the next six months. Red Adare told

 the Arabs that they should ring his cousin

Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.

The Arab got on the phone and contacted

Paddy. The Arab explained the problem

with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if

he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem."

The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied:

"I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost

 ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and

 hung up the phone. The Arabs waited in

 the desert, still watching the flames

shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red haired Paddys

 comes roaring over the sand dunes  and

head straight into the oil field. The Arabs

shouted to no avail, and the truck drove

straight into one of the burning rigs. They

 jumped out,

took off their denim jackets and proceeded to

 beat the fire out with them. The Arabs

watched with amazement and two days

 later the oil rig fire was out. The four

Paddys walked to the  Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!"

The Arab, while writing the check for

$10,000 said to Paddy; "And what are you

going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy

Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy

 a set of brakes for that fucking truck!"

 

IRISH DECLARE WAR ON SADDAM

 

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office

 wondering who to invade next when his

 telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a

heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy

 down in County Cavan, Ireland.I am

 ringing to inform you that we are officially

declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy,"Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after

a moment's calculation, "there is myself,

my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour

 Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that

I have 1 million men in my army waiting to

 move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you

back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang

 back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still

on! We have managed to acquire some

equipment!" "And what equipment would

that be, Paddy?"Saddam asked. "Well, we

 have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer

and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell

you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks,

 14 thousand armored personnel carriers

 and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr.

Hussein, the war is still on! We have

managed to get ourselves airborne! We've

 modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of

rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team

has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then

sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have

 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG

19 attack planes,my military complex is

surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air

 missile sites, and since we last spoke, my

 army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have

to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy

called again the next day. "Right Mr.

Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we

 have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why

 the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat,

and there's no way we can feed 2 million

prisoners."

 

 ORDERLIES

A Sikh Battallion and aGorkah Bn Officer were relaxing

on the lounge of the mess. The converstion turned towards

their orderlies a short while later. Each one claimed that his

orderly was a fool. The two decided to compare. The

 Sikh Bn Officer called for his orderly and said, "Ram Singh

here is a ten rupees note go and purchase an Ambassador car

from the market right now and bring it here. "Right Sir", said

the orderly. He took the note from the officer saluated and

went back. Then the Gorkah Officer called his orderly and told him,

"Thappa, go to my office and see whether I'm sitting

there or not. "Right Sir", the orderly said and went back.

The two officers had a hearty laugh not realising that the

orderlies were talking outside. Ram Singh was saying,

"Thappa, look at my stupid boss he doesn't even know

that the market is closed today and the car cannot be bought".

"And look at my boss Ram Singh, he wants me to go and see

 whether he is in his office or not. Why can't he ring up and

find out. I've never seen such a lazy officer in my life".

 

 

                        NEIGHBOURS

 While creating the universe, God explained to his

subordinates that everything should be in balance and that

was his philosophy of creation. The story goes like this: “Here

 is America. I have blessed them with prosperity and money,

but at the same time I have given them insecurity…. And, here

 is Africa. Bountiful, but with climatic extremes… And, there

is South America. Lots of forests but lesser land so that they

would have to cut those forests…” One of the angels asked

 “God, what is that extremely beautiful country in the lap of

 the oceans?”

“Aha… that is truly a masterpiece, my most precious creation,

 India - the land of friendly people, sparkling streams and

serene mountains, great culture and tradition, technologically

 brilliant… in fact, I sometimes holiday there.” The surprised

angel asked … “But God, what about the balance?” And, God

 replied “Look at the neighbours I gave them.”

 .